I think that my dreams are the insight to my soul. So often on the outside I can look (and feel) calm and cool and collected. And then I go to sleep. My fears and stress and anxieties can't hide from my dreams. There have been many times that I didn't even realize I was stressed until I dreamed about it.
My nightmares are filled with the things that scare me most. Being trapped, witnessing horrible things happening to my children and not being able to help, infidelities. All the things that bring me to my knees.
Recently Warrior talked about User Dreams. Well, as a WoPA, I have "user dreams" too, but mine go something like this...
Paul and I are at a dinner party, surrounded by friends. All great friends, with the exception of the beautiful woman sitting across from Paul and I. She's new, we've never met her before. She is gorgeous. Long, full blond hair (Paul has a thing for blonds. And for long hair). Gorgeous face. Ripe body. Modest. Poised, posed, purposeful. Sweet, kind, innocent. Perfect.
She is the talk of the table. Everyone LOVES her.
Somehow the conversation gets shifted to me. It is apparent that everyone at the table thinks I am too hard on Paul. It is said that I am feisty (true). I speak my mind (true). I let him know in no uncertain terms what I expect and what I will not tolerate (true and true). And how different that is from 'Ms. Perfect.' Of course it was said in jest. Of course it was filled with laughter and snickers. But, the point was made.
One of the guests begins to defend me, a little. And that is when I noticed that Paul hasn't said a word. Not one. I don't even look at him. I KNOW he is thinking of 'Ms. Perfect' across the table and comparing her to me.
I wake up as I stand up from the table and walk out of the room without saying a word.
Interestingly enough she wasn't porn. She was the opposite of porn. Because in real life, if he were to chose someone over me, it wouldn't be the woman in the porn. It would be who the porn star was impersonating.
It would be her. Ms. Perfect.
And isn't this what it all boils down to? FEAR. The fear that one day he will find what he has been looking for all along.
And it won't be me.
HIS triggers are other women's bodies, MY triggers are the FEAR that he'll choose them over me.
Most days, I feel like I'm doing well. I'm on the right road. I'm recovering. I've got this.
And then I go to sleep...
Breath in. Breath out. Surrender.
According to Webster's Dictionary, the word 'redeem' means "to free from the consequences of sin." Although, it was not my sin, I still desperately need to be freed of the consequences.
"Redeemed women of God have tender merciful hearts, backbones of steel, and hands that are prepared for the fight." - Staci Elderidge
"Even though my heart has been broken at times, I want to retain a tender merciful heart- the kind of heart that is vulnerable, open to all emotions, and engaged in honest, intimate relationships. If my heart is hardened, no matter the cause, I cannot live to my fullest potential.
By setting and holding emotional, physical and spiritual boundaries and standing up with courageous determination to what I know to be right, I continue to forge my backbone of steel.
As women, I believe we want to fight against evil, and we have power greater than we've ever imagined to aid us in that fight."
- Rhyll Croshaw