A while back, Scabs issued a challenge to write about our version of Insanity. I read it. I loved reading everyone's version, but I was still pretty D-Day shell shocked so I had no idea what my version looked like at all.
Then the other day, Alicia, realized and posted hers. I loved her version too, but I still had no clue what mine was. Until, I started telling Paul about Alicia's post. As I described to him what Alicia wrote, suddenly, I saw it. My Insanity. She was visualized in detail in front of me. It was clear as day and so easy for me to understand.
This is what I realized....
When I was a teenager, my parents built a new house. As the school year began, it was still being built so rather than have me switch schools, mid year, my parents enrolled me in my soon-to-be new school. It was a 40 min drive from our old house. Which meant that every day for the first few months of school, my parents had to drive me back and forth to school (40 min each way!).
This meant that many days, you could find me hanging out in front of the school after the final bell rang (for hours!- it seemed) waiting for one of my parents to pick me up. I know I were there a long time- all the buses were gone and the after school sports would start to end... but I don't really remember how long I'd wait. I do know that the ladies from the office came out and made sure I had a ride every day for the first week or two, and then they just quit asking.
I HATED IT!!
I felt like the biggest looser ever. Here I was at a new school hanging out in front of the office, every day, waiting for my ride. Sometimes I would get offered a ride from a friend- until they realized I lived 40 min. away. There was no way out. I couldn't walk the 20 or so miles home. I couldn't take a bus. I couldn't accept a ride. My only choice was to wait for someone else to rescue me. I was trapped.
To this day, I literally still have nightmares about being stuck at school.
Sometimes in my dreams I am even married, with my own car at home, but I am still waiting for my dad to show up and give me a ride.
My Insanity is a Picture of Perfection. She has bright red lipstick and long red nails. She has long gorgeous wavy blond hair and she wears noticeably nice clothes. Her features are worldy perfect and she is thought of as the ideal beauty. She lives in a cage. Maybe it has metal grates or maybe it is entirely out of glass, but she can't get out. She can see the world around her and she calls and beacons to it. Sometimes she can entice and manipulate it, even from the confounds of her cage. She yells, and whispers, screams and cries silent muffled sobs, but only those listening can hear her.
I can always hear her.
I see her in my dreams.
In my dreams she convinces me I'm stuck, that I have no choices. She tells me that I have to stay until I'm rescued. She tells me that my life is written by anyone other than me. She tells me that I am not good enough, smart enough or worth enough to make decisions on my own. She tells me that I do not know how to listen to the Lord.
She mimics His ways and whispers in His voice. She makes me doubt what I know.
She makes me feel trapped.
My Sanity is Choice. She wears whatever color lipstick she likes. Or maybe just a clear lipgloss. She never paints her nails, but her toes, oh she loves to have painted toes! She chooses to cut her hair short (even though she's been taught long hair is the most beautiful) because it looks best that way and she likes it. She dresses in whatever suits her mood that day. Maybe it's trendy, maybe it's designer, maybe it's inexpensive, maybe it's yoga pants. All that matters, is how she feels that day. She feels and determines her own beauty and doesn't care what the world says. She lives in green rolling hills, with evergreens and an array of flowers. She loves to smell them and care for them and watch them bloom and grow. She is true to her feelings and honest with herself and others. If she is mad, she acknowledges it. If she is sad, she cries. If she is happy, she relishes in it.
She is always with me.
She rescues me from my dreams.
She tells me of my choices. She tells me that I don't have to stay at school. I have options. I am worth options. She tells me that I am good enough, smart enough and worth enough to find my own way out. She reminds me how the Lord sounds different from Insanity. She tells me I know how to discern the difference.
She lets me know I'm free.
She tells me that I don't have to live with a husband who is not running and striving for Recovery. I have choices.
She tells me I never was nor ever will be trapped.
What does your Insanity look like?
According to Webster's Dictionary, the word 'redeem' means "to free from the consequences of sin." Although, it was not my sin, I still desperately need to be freed of the consequences.
"Redeemed women of God have tender merciful hearts, backbones of steel, and hands that are prepared for the fight." - Staci Elderidge
"Even though my heart has been broken at times, I want to retain a tender merciful heart- the kind of heart that is vulnerable, open to all emotions, and engaged in honest, intimate relationships. If my heart is hardened, no matter the cause, I cannot live to my fullest potential.
By setting and holding emotional, physical and spiritual boundaries and standing up with courageous determination to what I know to be right, I continue to forge my backbone of steel.
As women, I believe we want to fight against evil, and we have power greater than we've ever imagined to aid us in that fight."
- Rhyll Croshaw