According to Webster's Dictionary, the word 'redeem' means "to free from the consequences of sin." Although, it was not my sin, I still desperately need to be freed of the consequences.

"Redeemed women of God have tender merciful hearts, backbones of steel, and hands that are prepared for the fight." - Staci Elderidge

"Even though my heart has been broken at times, I want to retain a tender merciful heart- the kind of heart that is vulnerable, open to all emotions, and engaged in honest, intimate relationships. If my heart is hardened, no matter the cause, I cannot live to my fullest potential.

By setting and holding emotional, physical and spiritual boundaries and standing up with courageous determination to what I know to be right, I continue to forge my backbone of steel.

As women, I believe we want to fight against evil, and we have power greater than we've ever imagined to aid us in that fight."
- Rhyll Croshaw

Friday, April 19, 2013

Agent H

I had another post written and ready to post today, but it was serious and I feel like something more light-hearted to head into the weekend with- so you can get the other post later....

Yesterday I:

-drove my child to preschool.  I chatted with his teachers, who I know well since I've had one child or another at that school for the last 3 years...  I said hi and chatted with the moms, some of them I am quite good friends with.
- I talked to the primary president on the phone.  We chatted about primary and then our preschoolers who are in class together and our babies.  We are great friends.  The kind that you can text while standing in the check out line at Target and say, "crap, I'm stuck, can you grab my kid from school and I'll get him later?"  And we've done it so many times, we don't even call the school to let them know.  Because they do.
-My neighbor came over.  Our kids line up and two of them are really good friends.  He spent most of the day at my house.  He ate with us.  She came to retrieve him and we sat and gabbed for a while (instead of folding laundry).  We are great friends.  Like call-in-the-middle-of-the-night friends because I need you to sit with my kids while we head to the ER.
-My good friend dropped by with a few of her kids.  She asked if they could play because she had a few things to get done.  We sat first and talked about our other good friend that is moving tomorrow and what we need to do to help.  We are great friends.  Like, we've-been-in-each-other's-bedroom- kind- of-friends.
-I called my moving friend and made a plan to pick her up for the Stake Relief Society activity tomorrow and send the guys over to move all of her furniture while we're gone (nice plan huh?).  Then after the activity is over, we'll send all the men and kids to pizza and I'll help her unpack and make the beds.  She is a stayed-in-the-hospital-with-me-the-night-my-baby-was-born kind of friend.  She slept with my hours old baby on the couch in my room and held my puke bowl
-my brother called and we made a plan to skype tonight.

My days are filled with family and friends.  People I love and who love me dearly.  I know I am so blessed.  I thought about this last night as I climbed into bed and I thanked my Heavenly Father for the blessings in my life.  And then I thought about a conversation I had the other day with Scabs, and I realized that not one of those awesome, loving, close family and friends mentioned above called me Harriet during the day.  Not once.  They don't even know a "Harriet".  They have no idea that I Am Harriet.

I was talking to Scabs about this 'double life' we lead.  My normal day is filled with carpools and diapers, dinner times and drop in friends.  There, I'm known by another name.  But, then, I retreat into the quiet seclusion of my alter virtual reality where I become "Harriet" and the horrors and hopes of the deepest corners of my soul are shared with people I love like only two people with shared pains can love, but people I have never really met.

The last 15 years of my life have been so full of deceptions and secrecy that I refuse to believe that THAT is what I am doing now!  That I am keeping a major part of myself from the people I love the most and choose to spend my days with.  Instead I would like to believe that my Alter Reality is more like a SECRET AGENT!  That by day I live a normal life until the horrors of the world come crashing down.  That is when I dawn my "Harriet" suit and I'm off to do my part!  Yep.  That's me, a Secret Agent!

And since this is the Secret Agent that I can resonate with the best (with a house full of kids...), I'll call myself, Agent H!

What is your Secret Agent Identity?

Doo Bee Doo Bee Doo Wah... AGENT H!!!!!


  1. Sounds like you have done a good job of NOT isolating yourself, even though you are Agent H! No one has a clue I am Zaida...and I am ok with that...right now I actually prefer that....maybe that will change in the future. For now I will just be Agent Z:)

    1. AWESOME! World here we come! Agent Z and Agent H are on the case!

  2. I love your friends! I don't have any that amazing:) I guess my visiting teacher is pretty awesome, since she saved my life last year.

    I hear ya on the secret double life. I so wish I could be real with those closest to me, but they wouldn't understand. For one thing they'd probably hate my husband:(

    I like your idea of being a secret agent and I love Phineas and Ferb... Candance reminds me of me when I was little..."Whatcha doin?"

    Just call me Agent S:)

  3. Yeah, it always cracks me up that when I'm with or talking to recovery people that we have NO idea what our kids' names are, what each other's favorite colors are, what styles we wear or decorate with, but we know each other's deepest, darkest secrets.
    I called a counselor the other day at the recommendation of my sponsor, and I ended up saying, "Hi, my name is Alicia. I'm calling on recommendation from Michelle... um, Michelle.... oh my gosh, I have no idea what her last name is."
    But she knows more about my secrets than my own mother does.
    Anonymity can be such a great thing :)

  4. LOVE this post! Thank you! I'm glad you have such a great support circle in real life. I felt like I had that in the last place I lived. But, we moved a few years ago and I haven't found that kind of connection yet. oh well. I am grateful for this virtual world that I can feel support from in an area of my life that I especially need the support for.

    ***Hugs to you!*** Thanks for being a virtual friend. :)