My dearest [Harriet]:
Today I felt strongly the need to write you this note and let you know how so very, very much that I love you. You are my light, my source of inspiration and strength, and have always been the truest believer in me and my biggest fan. You are my best friend, my soul mate, my eternal companion, the one, the only one, that the Lord promised me I would meet and be sealed to for time and all eternity. I love you with all of my heart, I cherish you, I admire you for all of your wonderful qualities of having a heart so full of love, so much compassion and charity for others; even now in the darkest time of your life you are instinctively reaching out to help others who are hurting. As my best friend my first thought is to share my triumphs with you, my joys, my excitements, my fears and worries. When I have free time or the opportunity to do something fun I instinctively want to do that and share that with you. You have mentioned how I rescued you; please know that I feel that you rescued me. You have given me strength beyond imagination as I have faced and conquered some of my biggest fears and challenges in my life to rise in so many ways out of the wreckage of my youth. And to think that given how I feel about you that I could lie, and deceive you all of these years by hiding my addiction from you causes me more pain, shame, grief and guilt then sometimes I feel I can bear – but I let myself feel it, I don’t shrink from it (most of the time) because there is no choice but to fight for you and for us because my world would be so horribly empty without you that thinking about it makes it hard for me to breathe. I am so, so sorry that I have broken your heart, and your trust, and your faith, and your self-esteem. Some of the things I love the most about you – your outgoing personality, your cheerfulness, your optimism, you ability to see and find the good in life – are things that I have smothered to the point that I fear it will be a long time before I see those again in you and that makes me so sad for what I have done. 

I want you to know that you are incredibly beautiful to me in every way, you are gorgeous, your face and its features are so beautiful, I love to see you smile, the way you purse your lips and poke out your tongue – It lights up my world when I see that.  I love to kiss you – l love that this intimacy plan has taught me how to focus on all aspects of our physical connectedness and just kissing you brings such feelings of love, desire, peace, acceptance, safety and joy. I still think that you are so beautiful and sexy and I shake right now as I think of how so very much I love you, desire you, and want to continue to be able to connect with you in every way – unimpeded by any guilt, or shame or hiding of what I have done, but just pure open and honest expressions of love, passion, desire and marital commitment.

Through this last month and a half I have had some real wake up calls that have been my rock bottoms. To hear you say there is a line that if it is crossed you will have to move on for your safety and for the safety of the kids was a rock bottom – the fact that you said it not as a threat but in absolute pain and despair for what that would mean to you made me understand that you were willing to fight for me if I was willing to do everything that I needed to do to recover but at some point if I did not choose to enter and remain in recovery that you would have to make the hard choices. Another rock bottom was when you said that you had no control over the future eternal state of our family, that it was all in my hands. Realizing this was fearful and impressed on me that I am the only one that can choose to fix this – yes you can help – yes the Lord will have to help – but it is up to me to choose to fix it and let others help – to choose to be brave enough to do the hard things, to keep feeling when the addict wants to go numb, to choose to let go of my pride and not worry about what others think if it stops me from being fully committed to my recovery. I want you to know that I choose recovery, I chose to fight for you; I choose to fight for the kids and our family. Another rock bottom was last night as you said with more raw emotion that I have ever heard that you “hate me” not that you hate what I have done, not that you hate how you feel but that you “hate me” because I was so selfish and careless, and callous and weak and caused you to feel the way you feel. I realized at that point that if I don’t get on and stay on the recovery wagon I will lose you and that is not an option for me. Another rock bottom is hearing you talk about how you have to find a new image of me, one that is less esteemed and proud and trusting and admiring than the one you have had for all of these years. That is devastating to hear because it is coming from the one that means more than life to me; feeling that utter shame, despair, and disappointment is rock bottom. Another rock bottom is realizing that we have to find a new normal, that forever this will be a part of our life that we will have to be aware of and deal with. Acknowledging that I have so utterly screwed things up and forever altered the course of our lives is rock bottom. Realizing that I have put you and me and the kids at risk for so long is rock bottom. When you said you had to enforce a boundary and detach - that was rock bottom. I want, with all of my heart, to start to repair the damage. Scripture study and family time is more precious to me that almost anything in this world right now because I have a lot of lost ground to make up. Hearing [the therapist] say that if I don’t stop viewing pornography I will not be able to return to Heavenly Father and that I will not be able to be with you or the kids is rock bottom. This is a realization that continues to increase within me as I move further toward recovery behaviors that allow me to really fully comprehend the absolute moral and spiritual danger I have been existing in. Realizing that I allowed my lustful addiction to progress to the point that I had lustful thoughts about [people we know] is rock bottom. How could I allow myself to feel that way about [people we know and love]; that is so shameful that it is something I can barely think about or acknowledge – there are not words. Realizing that you need to detach from me because it is not safe for you to stay totally connected to me is rock bottom; you have been my anchor, my rock, my biggest fan and it can be scary to think that I have to move through my recovery on my own – others can help but it is my recovery. Realizing that I need to let go of my pride and attend PASG because my pride and fear will prevent me from recovering is rock bottom – meaning I now feel so low and powerless and have so much hate and repulsion and loathing for this addiction to pornography [and lust] that there is no energy or room for pride or fear – only for needing desperately to do whatever the Lord will have me do. So I will go to PASG on Wednesday night and I am sure as I walk into that meeting it will be another rock bottom – with no pride left.

Please try to find a place in your heart to understand my absolute love for you; I cherish you; you are my whole world; you have rescued me over and over and over again and you are fighting for me again now – how you can fight for me sometimes with more energy and vigor that I can muster to fight for myself is amazing to me given what I have done to you and how I have made you feel. But I will fight, I will fight for you, I will fight for us, I will fight for the kids, I will fight to qualify for the redeeming power for the Savior and for the Spirit and for the peace and hope and joy that I know that only they can bring – for the healing – for the recovery. I know that I can make it out of this rock bottom – I know that I can build something beautiful for us (not rebuild, but build the way it should have been built in the first place) – I hope that you will continue to choose to fight with and along side me. I will try to find ways to show you just how much I love you and what I am willing to do to not loose you.

I love you so much - [Mr. Redeemed]