Half of the time we don't know whether we are coming or going, or both...
Recently I've been confused about having goals but living in today. And it seems that all I get from that is a wad of confusion. Yes, know that there is happiness way out there on the horizon but no, you don't need to know exactly what it looks like.
I hear about things like 6 month and 12 month hard times and honeymoon periods, recovery and sobriety, detaching and boundaries, aliens and unicorns.
Ok- those last two aren't part of addiction recovery, but they might as well be, they seem just as foreign and obscure.
Mr. Redeemed has had a lot of lust triggers lately. He believes he's had way more triggers then before he hit his rock bottom in January. Which is frustrating, I mean.... he's in recovery.... He wonders if this is a symptom of withdrawal....
And while in withdrawal he can get a momentary surge of adrenaline when he sees a pretty face drive by at 40 miles an hour.
What?! That doesn't make me feel like a loved wife.
These triggers were frustrating to me, to say the least. I envisioned the worst of his addiction patterns.
But, then today, while talking to my sponsor, something she said and something I heard last week in LifeSTAR, just all clicked together.
In LifeSTAR, the facilitator said that if an alcoholic came in to get help, cold stone drunk, there was ABSOLUTELY nothing that could be done for him. He first had to have an extended period of Sobriety before he could think clearly. He couldn't enter into real recovery until he think clearly. Made sense. I mean- he's DRUNK.
Then today, while talking to my sponsor, she said, "your husband isn't in solid recovery yet, he's still fighting sobriety."
Do you see these dots connecting?
Yeah, me too.
Oh- that's why he keeps having all these triggers. You don't DECIDE to be in solid recovery, you EARN solid recovery with an extended period of sobriety. And you stay in sobriety by keeping you life and emotions in balance.
So, anytime Mr. Redeemed lets his life/emotions get out of balance (i.e.. feels stressed but pushes it away rather than labeling it and dealing with it or feels unworthy and doesn't reaffirm his self worth despite his bad choices) then he has to fight harder for Sobriety. And his brain will fight and struggle and look for relief where ever it can (even in pretty faces driving past at 40 miles an hour) in order to feel better the way it has been trained to do.
The brain must first be rewired- become completely sober, then true solid recovery can begin. And just like it takes alcoholics time to purge the effects of the bottle, it takes a Sex/Porn/Lust addict time to rewire the effects of the faulty training. (this is the honeymoon period. the fighting/learning/adjusting/re-evaluating time). And since he is fighting so hard right now for sobriety, his brain is super sensitive to everything it sees. It's hurting. It's hurting because he feels guilty for the choices he's made to thrust us on this path and it is hurting because he is fighting every false belief that he has learned that says he is actually an inadequate person. As long as he feels inadequate, he will always be fighting the addiction cycle.
Which seems vicious right? I mean he feels inadequate because he keeps slipping and he keeps slipping because he feels inadequate (which is why it's SOBRIETY not RECOVERY).
First, he needs to recognize his WORTH, WHILE REMAINING SOBER.
And that takes time.
It all takes time. Which is why this takes years.
I know all of this should frustrate me. I mean, I thought we were in Recovery. But, actually it is freeing. It all makes sense. It is helpful to see where we actually are in the process.
Because you will never know how to get there, unless you first can figure out where you are.
Rhyll Croshaw, author of "What Can I Do About
She wrote about it here...
The more I focus on my own recovery, being honest with myself and others, and surrendering those things I cannot change, the more peace I have."